Why winter is better than summer.

Well, it's that time of year again. That time where we northern hemisphere-dwellers stand on the threshold of Summer and are either skipping around in glee and anticipation while rubbing our hippy beads for good luck and jiggling asses to Mambo Nr. 5 (you) or shaking our fists in an act of defiance and grudgery towards these loathsome festivities and wishing we had a Christmas to steal (me).

I've never fully understood why people look forward to summer so much. I get why my fellow brethren of the learning establishments look forward to getting 7 weeks off school and I sort of understand how the increased hours of sunshine do much to lighten up people's spirits, but to me the cons have always outweighed the pros.


I've decided to itemise a list for you all in the hope that, despite your lobotomies and unwholesome genotypes, you'll finally come to the conclusion that winter trumps summer and that I'm incredibly awesome.

1) The Heat. What's that, you say? The heat is a GOOD thing? Maybe if you happen to work as a professional sunbather for a living, but for the vast majority of people who work in any other career besides that, it more often than not proves distracting, irritating, incredibly uncomfortable and usually ends up with sweat patches the size of sunspots on your favourite shirt.
There's nothing worse (apart from not being me) than toiling away in some stuffy classroom or office block with no air-conditioning, trying hopelessly to complete some vague and futile task put before you like a plate of rotting meat before a dog. In contrast to the refreshing coolness of a winter breeze, the usefulness of the sun's heat shrivels up and dies as an advantage for pro-summer numpties. Also, this paragraph wasn't biased.

2) Lack of Productivity. I was sort of alluding to this in the above paragraph, but I judged it important enough to merit its own point. Under the glare of the sun's mighty rays, many people become afflicted with Can't Be Arsed Syndrome (CBA Syndrome for short) and productivity plummets. Whether in a school or a business, people just lose focus and tire uncannily fast when exposed to excessive heat and light. You can't even combat it by installing air-conditioning because your subversive workers still have windows and are going to be longingly staring out of them at the endless stream of all-girl rooftop pool parties while simultaneously contemplating the nearest available exit.

3) Disease. And lots of it. I think any person with an inkling of knowledge will agree with me when I say that germs thrive in the heat. Sure you get a few minor colds and shit during the winter, but when was the last time you heard of a Christmas smallpox epidemic? Germs love the summer; it's kind of like their "mating season", and so the chances of contracting an illness during those three doomsday months are significantly higher than during the winter. The effect is even amplified by dangerously overcrowded social settings such as beaches, clubs and gazebos, creating a sort of "social exposure" effect.
And y'know what, just to rag on a little bit more, diseases during the summer are fucking uncomfortable. It's bad enough that it's HOT and STICKY and HUMID and some other horrible words, but to have hyper-dysentery and septicæmia on top of that is akin to being forced to have sex with a snowman on top a bed made out of icicles. Fetch me some icepacks, I'm starting to get a headache.

4) Things overheat faster. At the moment of typing this, I've had my laptop on for approximately 45 minutes and the battery pack is hot enough to fry strips of bacon on. See, if this were winter, my laptop would heat up at a much slower, more convenient rate and delay the inevitable circuit-frying my electrical devices all eventually succumb to.
Anything you leave on during the summer season heats up maybe 10-fold faster [source] than its solstice counterpart, which is again detrimental to productivity, again annoying and particularly unhelpful if you happen to be a surgeon or operating power tools (God forbid you do both at the same time, you sick bastard).

5) There's no snow.


To put it midly, SNOW IS THE MUTT'S NUTS! Not only does it provide ample opportunities to pelt people you don't like and not get arrested for it (usually), encourage lovers to coalesce under blankets with kisses and cuddles, and evoke feelings of joy in our cold, stony hearts, but it also makes everything look pretty- nay, beautiful. Everything from buildings to trees to spider webs look utterly spectacular in the snow and anyone who disagrees must be stupid.

(See the difference in prettiness?!)

So, by the power of science and logic I have deduced that winter is better than summer. You may say that's a futile conclusion because it is an opinion, opinions are subjective and I have no right to push mine above the heads of others and onto the plinth of the gods. And to that I say:

Shut up tubby, before I burst your beach ball.